When I Was Eight I Defeated A Child-Murderer!

I was always a suspicious kid. Once when I was 8 (8 was when I was the craziest, if you couldn't tell.) I had my Friend over at my grandma's house. So we were in the back yard playing when the next door neighbor was innocently mowing his lawn and waved at us. I totally and completely freaked out.

"HE JUST WAVED A KNIFE AT US!!!!" I screamed at my Friend, grabbed her wrist and ran behind a tree. We then made plans how to escape this child-murderer. 

"What are we going to do?" My Friend asked, wide eyed and frantic.

"We have to get him! He can't get away with being a child-murderer!" I said taking an imaginary stand. The Neighbor continued mowing his lawn peacefully and saw us gazing at him like he was, well, a child-murderer. So he smiled and waved again.

"OH MY GOD!!! NOW HE WAVED A GUN!!!" I whispered-screamed. *Note: At the time I did actually believe he was a child-murderer.* 

"AHHHHHHHHH!!" 

We made a dash for my grandma's house. The Neighbor, turns out, mows other peoples' lawns as well. So as he moved on to the next house, I felt like the the whole neighborhood's mortality rested on my young, little shoulders. And I decided to be a hero. 

"We need to save the neighborhood!" I told my Friend. Making the neighborhood's mortality rest on her even younger shoulders. 

"How are we going to do that?" She asked me, on the verge of crying.

"I'm not sure, but we'll need weapons!" That statement made my pacifist, six year old Friend start bawling. Of course that didn't gain any sympathy from little me. I just told her to stop being a baby and left to find weapons.

My dad found out and yelled at me for deserting my crying friend. I told her that we wouldn't go hunting for child-murderers anymore and could just go outside and play. Of course I didn't MEAN any of that. 

Going outside I took my 'weapon' out with me: a frozen, Aquafina water bottle.

I made her play a game that involved throwing the frozen water bottle up an oak tree right by the Neighbor's house. With each throw we threw closer and closer to their house. On my next throw I decided that then would be the perfect time to defeat the child-murderer. So I threw the water bottle as hard as I could and it hit the window. Thankfully, it didn't break it. Just made a really loud thunk. 

The Neighbor's wife obviously heard it and opened the window, looked at us and the water bottle lying on the ground and got very, very mad. I'm pretty sure she yelled something but I didn't hear it; I just grabbed my Friend, pulled her in the house, ran into my grandma's guest bedroom and locked the door. Waiting for our impending doom. We watched from the window as the Neighbor's Wife marched up to the house and told on us.

Five minutes later my dad, extremely embarrassed and angry, knocked (very hard) on the door and told me to come out. Then, we got yelled at and our punishment was to go over and apologize to the child-murderer. So my Friend and I walked over to the Neighbor's house and knocked on the door I realized I couldn't do it. I couldn't apologize to a MURDERER. So I just ran away and my friend followed. 

"Did you apologize?" My dad immediately asked.

"No..... I'll just write an apology letter instead."

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Turns out the Neighbor wasn't a murderer; I was just insane.

I Was A Demon Child

Around ages 7-9 I was the most conceited, selfish, rude, bossy, psychotic child you would've ever met. I was a violent, attention-grabbing, Barbie-hanging little girl. (But that's a different story for a different day.)

One story, though, that really speaks to me, happened when I was 8 years old. I was over at my best friend's (only friend, really) house. (At this time in my life I was very dramatic. My dream was to be an actress/model/singer/detective/writer so I would often force my Friend to engage in pretend games involving these.)

I decided we would play a game (model/singing) that involved us dressing up in 'model' clothes, perform our original songs in front of our 'fans'. (I had an imaginary audience in my head that was always video-taping me and thought I was awesome, who I called my fans.) It took place in her ultra-conservative mother's bedroom. While one of us was changing into our 'model' clothes in the nearby bathroom, the other would perform. 

So my melodramatic self was happily changing into my feathered boa, preparing for my song 'Have You Realized' as my Friend was introducing her next song. 

My Friend: Ok, and I have another song to sing you. It's called "Have You Realized"...

Well, 8-year-old me would not have that. I stormed out of the bathroom and jumped on top of her, like a demented cat, onto the bed. Here's what I probably looked like:

"OH MY GOD, THAT'S. MY. SONG. YOUCAN'TSTEALMYSONG!!! GET YOUR OWN SONG!!!!" I yelled as I hit her repeatedly.

"What are you doing??" My Friend asked, terrified.

"MY FANS ARE GOING TO THINK I STOLE MY SONG FROM YOU!!!!!!" I then made her cry. I would cry too if my two-years-older-than-me-best-friend randomly jumped me, pulls my hair, hit and bit me. Plus, she was like, 6 and I totally took her down. 

"OH  MY GOODNESS! THERE ARE NO FANS!!! STOP IT! YOU'RE SCARING ME!!"

"DON'T YOU INSULT MY FANS!!!" 

This went on for about 15 minutes. Until I sat up, looked at my Friend and said, "We should stop it. Your mom might hear us and then I'll get in trouble." to which my friend happily replied "Okay". And we calmly walked out of the room as if nothing happened. 

Why Do Odd Things Always Happen To Me? (The Three Duck Boys)

A few years a go my dad decided to surprise my sister and I by taking us to a hotel. (I always love going to hotels so I can get candy and turn into a mess-making psycho.) Well, anyway, the three of us had just walked into the hotel when my sister and I decided to go on a journey. A journey that involved walking aimlessly around a hotel looking for a Coke vending machine. We had just bid farewell to our father, walking past the hotel's game room when three teenage guys came running by like retarded ducks in a single file line. (To the game room I suppose)

I just about died laughing and the next thing I knew my sister and I were hiding behind a wall from the Duck Boys. We were arguing whether or not to stay hiding or try to make it to the hotel room. I peeked out from behind the wall, they were searching EVERYWHERE and were gaining in on our hiding spot. I told her we should try for the hotel room. 

So, as soon as we bolted from behind the wall, one of the Duck Boys saw us and they all chased us into the back staircase. While, frantically trying to get to our floor I heard one of them say, "I'm going to get youuuu, girls." In the most stalkerish voice possible. I shrieked and my sister just laughed. I imagined this was following us:

Instead of this:

We reached the top of the stairs and burst through the door. The Duck Boys followed, they were IMPOSSIBLE to lose! We fumbled our way through the unfamiliar hallway and found our room. We ran into our room, rested against the door, huffing and puffing and my sister says after a few minutes, "Want to go get our Cokes now?"