I Was A Demon Child

Around ages 7-9 I was the most conceited, selfish, rude, bossy, psychotic child you would've ever met. I was a violent, attention-grabbing, Barbie-hanging little girl. (But that's a different story for a different day.)

One story, though, that really speaks to me, happened when I was 8 years old. I was over at my best friend's (only friend, really) house. (At this time in my life I was very dramatic. My dream was to be an actress/model/singer/detective/writer so I would often force my Friend to engage in pretend games involving these.)

I decided we would play a game (model/singing) that involved us dressing up in 'model' clothes, perform our original songs in front of our 'fans'. (I had an imaginary audience in my head that was always video-taping me and thought I was awesome, who I called my fans.) It took place in her ultra-conservative mother's bedroom. While one of us was changing into our 'model' clothes in the nearby bathroom, the other would perform. 

So my melodramatic self was happily changing into my feathered boa, preparing for my song 'Have You Realized' as my Friend was introducing her next song. 

My Friend: Ok, and I have another song to sing you. It's called "Have You Realized"...

Well, 8-year-old me would not have that. I stormed out of the bathroom and jumped on top of her, like a demented cat, onto the bed. Here's what I probably looked like:

"OH MY GOD, THAT'S. MY. SONG. YOUCAN'TSTEALMYSONG!!! GET YOUR OWN SONG!!!!" I yelled as I hit her repeatedly.

"What are you doing??" My Friend asked, terrified.

"MY FANS ARE GOING TO THINK I STOLE MY SONG FROM YOU!!!!!!" I then made her cry. I would cry too if my two-years-older-than-me-best-friend randomly jumped me, pulls my hair, hit and bit me. Plus, she was like, 6 and I totally took her down. 

"OH  MY GOODNESS! THERE ARE NO FANS!!! STOP IT! YOU'RE SCARING ME!!"

"DON'T YOU INSULT MY FANS!!!" 

This went on for about 15 minutes. Until I sat up, looked at my Friend and said, "We should stop it. Your mom might hear us and then I'll get in trouble." to which my friend happily replied "Okay". And we calmly walked out of the room as if nothing happened. 

Why Do Odd Things Always Happen To Me? (The Three Duck Boys)

A few years a go my dad decided to surprise my sister and I by taking us to a hotel. (I always love going to hotels so I can get candy and turn into a mess-making psycho.) Well, anyway, the three of us had just walked into the hotel when my sister and I decided to go on a journey. A journey that involved walking aimlessly around a hotel looking for a Coke vending machine. We had just bid farewell to our father, walking past the hotel's game room when three teenage guys came running by like retarded ducks in a single file line. (To the game room I suppose)

I just about died laughing and the next thing I knew my sister and I were hiding behind a wall from the Duck Boys. We were arguing whether or not to stay hiding or try to make it to the hotel room. I peeked out from behind the wall, they were searching EVERYWHERE and were gaining in on our hiding spot. I told her we should try for the hotel room. 

So, as soon as we bolted from behind the wall, one of the Duck Boys saw us and they all chased us into the back staircase. While, frantically trying to get to our floor I heard one of them say, "I'm going to get youuuu, girls." In the most stalkerish voice possible. I shrieked and my sister just laughed. I imagined this was following us:

Instead of this:

We reached the top of the stairs and burst through the door. The Duck Boys followed, they were IMPOSSIBLE to lose! We fumbled our way through the unfamiliar hallway and found our room. We ran into our room, rested against the door, huffing and puffing and my sister says after a few minutes, "Want to go get our Cokes now?"