This Is Why I Don't Talk To People

Chicks don't like me. I don't know why, I get along with guys better. I mean who wants to sit around and gossip about clothes or boys? (I don't even know what girls talk about, but I'm guessing clothes and boys.) Maybe, it's because I change the subject frequently to random subjects, like cupcakes...? (Yes, cupcakes. Once my mind went completely blank and I just brought up cupcakes. That's actually what this blog post is about.) Yep, here's a real conversation (based on, anyway) where I tried to be sociable but it make me look like a cupcake-crazed freak.

Oh, well. Who needs people when you have cupcakes?

I DON'T WANT TO BE ON THE NEWS!!!

When I was eight my dad, sister and I went on a cross-country trip in the winter. At New Mexico we decided to camp in the desert. There were a lot of mountains surrounding the campsite. (I'm not sure if they were REALLY mountains or just really big hills. That's what living in Florida does to you. I'll just call them mountains, it's MY blog after all) So, anyway it was my little eight year old dream to climb (really hike) the mountain, it was my sister's too.

One day all three of us woke up early, got dressed in our hiking clothes and got all set to go hiking. (Not on the trail of course because that's really boring and much too easy.) It was exciting and fun but then we neared the top of the mountain. The mountain thinned out and became rockier, you had to half climb/half hike to get up there. My dad and I sat down on the rocks as my ballsy sister, always in need to explore, decided to climb up the rocks. Eight year old me was awed, I think my sister just liked rocks though.

I, being too young and my dad being too lazy just decided we'd wait on the rocks. So about 10 minutes after my sister left my imagination got ahold of me. I was CERTAIN my sister had fallen and died on her journey. What else could be taking her so long? She was obviously dead. So I started crying and quickly became hysterical. Because I felt I lost my only sister? No, because I didn't want to be on the news.

I think my dad at first thought it was sweet how worried I was about my sister, until he heard me blubbering about the news. Even then, he tried to comfort me... in his own 'special' way...

Imagine how my sister felt when she came back to her little sister crying about the news.

When I Was Eight I Defeated A Child-Murderer!

I was always a suspicious kid. Once when I was 8 (8 was when I was the craziest, if you couldn't tell.) I had my Friend over at my grandma's house. So we were in the back yard playing when the next door neighbor was innocently mowing his lawn and waved at us. I totally and completely freaked out.

"HE JUST WAVED A KNIFE AT US!!!!" I screamed at my Friend, grabbed her wrist and ran behind a tree. We then made plans how to escape this child-murderer. 

"What are we going to do?" My Friend asked, wide eyed and frantic.

"We have to get him! He can't get away with being a child-murderer!" I said taking an imaginary stand. The Neighbor continued mowing his lawn peacefully and saw us gazing at him like he was, well, a child-murderer. So he smiled and waved again.

"OH MY GOD!!! NOW HE WAVED A GUN!!!" I whispered-screamed. *Note: At the time I did actually believe he was a child-murderer.* 

"AHHHHHHHHH!!" 

We made a dash for my grandma's house. The Neighbor, turns out, mows other peoples' lawns as well. So as he moved on to the next house, I felt like the the whole neighborhood's mortality rested on my young, little shoulders. And I decided to be a hero. 

"We need to save the neighborhood!" I told my Friend. Making the neighborhood's mortality rest on her even younger shoulders. 

"How are we going to do that?" She asked me, on the verge of crying.

"I'm not sure, but we'll need weapons!" That statement made my pacifist, six year old Friend start bawling. Of course that didn't gain any sympathy from little me. I just told her to stop being a baby and left to find weapons.

My dad found out and yelled at me for deserting my crying friend. I told her that we wouldn't go hunting for child-murderers anymore and could just go outside and play. Of course I didn't MEAN any of that. 

Going outside I took my 'weapon' out with me: a frozen, Aquafina water bottle.

I made her play a game that involved throwing the frozen water bottle up an oak tree right by the Neighbor's house. With each throw we threw closer and closer to their house. On my next throw I decided that then would be the perfect time to defeat the child-murderer. So I threw the water bottle as hard as I could and it hit the window. Thankfully, it didn't break it. Just made a really loud thunk. 

The Neighbor's wife obviously heard it and opened the window, looked at us and the water bottle lying on the ground and got very, very mad. I'm pretty sure she yelled something but I didn't hear it; I just grabbed my Friend, pulled her in the house, ran into my grandma's guest bedroom and locked the door. Waiting for our impending doom. We watched from the window as the Neighbor's Wife marched up to the house and told on us.

Five minutes later my dad, extremely embarrassed and angry, knocked (very hard) on the door and told me to come out. Then, we got yelled at and our punishment was to go over and apologize to the child-murderer. So my Friend and I walked over to the Neighbor's house and knocked on the door I realized I couldn't do it. I couldn't apologize to a MURDERER. So I just ran away and my friend followed. 

"Did you apologize?" My dad immediately asked.

"No..... I'll just write an apology letter instead."

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Turns out the Neighbor wasn't a murderer; I was just insane.